And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
