People in love make me want to vomit
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
