he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
