I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
