Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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