i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
