the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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