I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
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My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
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dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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