I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
