I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
