Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
