I will die if light touches me.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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