Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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