I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
