My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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