The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
