it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
