Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
