my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
