He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
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I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
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I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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