He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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