I just pynch a tree in the face
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
