So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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