can u get pink eye on your cock?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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