i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
