so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
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Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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