on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
