I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
