I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.