This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
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On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
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You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.