The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
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vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
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Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.