I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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