if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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