Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
