i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
