please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
