threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize