Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
