Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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