some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
