He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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