Im at strip club and am horny
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
