Already got asked if we're dating
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
