In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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