Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
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the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
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The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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