Swine flu. Run for my life!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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