The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
