he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
