Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
