Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
