can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
