im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
