You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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