I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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