Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
