Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
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i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
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So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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