ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
