Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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