I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
